Serious later. First, tho- I tossed the calzones.
I know, I know, there are starving people.. somewhere... who would kill for odd tasting calzones that are both dry and strangely moist at the same time.
And I say now what I (wish I) said when told that as a kid. If they want it so bad they can come here and dig it out of my trash, 'cause it's gross.
While the items I wouldn't eat as a kid (chicken, string beans, peas, corn without season salt, spaghetti with anything other than butter and garlic salt on it, anything cooked by my maternal grandmother...) aren't what I'm turning down now, the idea is (mostly) the same.
If the texture is that far off, and the flavor is off, I'm going to start thinking I'm eating something I'm not. Like chopped up bits of eel, or twigs, or mushrooms.
Or, you know, all three.
Note- the one thing out of that batch I probably should have eaten was the food cooked by my G-ma, but they didn't let me drink milk during meals, and I'm nothing if not pig-headedly stubborn.
So, anyway, I tossed about 1.2 calzones.
Then I had to come up with something else to eat, 'cause it isn't November, I don't want to get gas, and nothing within 15 miles of me (other than WM, pleh) is open at 2am.
So I fried up an onion, tossed in some chopped garlic. In a bowl I mixed up my random spicy-pancake-thing (1C flour, 1C water+/-, salt, paprika, cayenne), mixed the onion in and fried the thing up in more oil.
Which turned out unusually tasty. I don't know if it was the onion or the bit where it didn't taste like yard clippings, with chunks of slimy eel/mushroom in it.
Anyway, it was tasty. I nommed it. Om nom nom.
I thought I'd missed the Vegan Month of Food, but it turns out they've pushed it back a month. Just in time for me to accept that maybe I'm not supposed to try to be vegan right now. I'm not going back to egg-eating, and meat's still totally out, but... I'm wondering if giving as much attention to little nit-picky (dairy) ingredients as I am is maybe not in my best interests right now.
I'm not going to go out and gorge on dairy ice cream, or cheese, or any of the other stuff I've (mostly) abstained from for the last 2 years, but...
I accepted that dairy was giving me more and more problems (physically), starting maybe 5 years ago. Since then I've been on a kind of eat/ suffer/ abstain cycle. I tried to break it by cutting off the dairy all together. It's something I was trying to do more for comfort than any real underlying belief.
Until/ unless I find that strength of belief I need to take a step or two back. I think if I have that, I dunno, inside me? It'll make it easier to find the strength/ testicular (ovarian?) fortitude/ guts to ask for what I *actually* want at restaurants. And to pass up TimTams, cheese flavored chips, most Indian food, and all the other stuff I still occasionally crave.
Wow, I feel like a failure right now.
Which is funny, because I'm really not changing much. I'm giving myself "permission" to eat some dairy, sometimes. To not rabidly check ingredient lists for stuff possibly derived from dairy. I'm ditching (maybe) the guilt. That's really all.
I know it's the direction I want to go. I think I'll get there eventually. I need to do it for the right reasons, though. Not just because milk makes me sick.
I suspect that this is about as close to one of those "crisis of faith" things as my goofy Atheist self is ever going to get. I know there are religion-doing people out there (and maybe a couple vegans, too?).
What do you do when your ability to act doesn't meet your belief of what you should do?
Too heavy for a Friday?